MAY 9, 2017
“God, pls give me one sign so I can quit. Otherwise, I can’t think of one reason to change."
FEBRUARY 25, 2018
The old adage ‘hindsight’ is 20/20 exists for good reason. I am continually amazed by my obtuseness when I look back on moments like this in my life. I can see so clearly now what was hidden in plain view at the time.
I didn’t pray to God “Please reveal whether or not I need to give up alcohol and give me the strength to quit.” I prayed to give me a sign so I could quit. I ALREADY KNEW I NEEDED TO QUIT. I was seeking confirmation, not an answer. But in the blurriness of that time in my life, I was content to stay miserable while feigning a desire for rescue.
The signs I so desperately cried out for did not come in the form of lightning shaped like whales, much to my chagrin. There weren't even grave repercussions as a result of my actions.( I mean a DUI really could have sped this process up, you know?)
My sign was searching for a way out of my current state of existence. My sign was was the inability to carry the weight of shame any longer. My sign was my growing inability to make eye contact with my own reflection, oh - and a wicked hangover after an afternoon baby shower that finally gave me the resolve to say, enough.
I love signs and wonders and sometimes I receive them. More often, they are mundane and plain. If you’re looking for signs and wonders and struggling to find them, start smaller. Look upward then inward. Get quiet. Pray for clarity and pay attention.
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes.